Friday, January 19, 2018

This week I attained the glorious age of 46 years. January cold takes my breath away momentarily when I venture out into the white cold. A lovely day to go to the license bureau to renew my drivers license, it's my birthday and it's cold and windy and snow is still on streets. Honestly it wasn't that bad out and winter is actually my favorite season but I keep that to myself most of the time, because not many people love January as much as me.

So, I get to the DMV and it's lovely and small inside and only one person is there and he is getting ready to leave. The lady behind the desk starts my process and the phone rings but she has that great ability to talk on the phone and still work with the person in front of her. And she laughed, she had the happiest laugh I've heard in a long time and that made me smile. She told me happy birthday of course and asked if I wanted to be an organ donor.

I know someone judgmental right now is wondering way I wasn't already one. I can only say that it is a fear of the unknown, of death, can I still feel? It's not like anyone can come back and say, "hey it really hurts still, for days and months after death." I also fear cremation even though it seems like the more logical solution to rid the earth of my corpse. I have books to read such as The Tibetan Book of The Dead, among some others that I mean to read to shed a little light on at least the beliefs of some concerning the afterlife.

Anyway, this is not some theological point, if thats even the right word, or anything. The point is this lady asked me a question concerning giving to another person something I was pretty sure I would not be needing but they could stay alive with it. A life, someone could have life, glorious life. I said yes. The unknown was still there, fear of pain still there, but I'm fine with it.

Sometimes God reminds me I hold on to tightly to my own skin, my own heart, my own house, my own things, even my own husband and children and place and purpose in this world. I should stop, it's selfish. It's all still mine,maybe a gift from God that can be taken away, but it is still mine to take care of and cherish and protect as long as it's in my possession. Maybe I can loosen my grip, even let go completely of some things I deem mine but maybe should not be. Let go. It could be a whole new gloriously attained life.

Friday, October 6, 2017

  I walked in damp woods picking up acorns and walnut shells, fallen leaves and twigs. I cut limbs with colored leaves off of trees. It's cloudy and misty outside as I collect Autumn and bring it all inside. I put acorns in a vase with the limbs hanging onto reddish leaves. I put a basket on it's side and fill it with leaves and twigs, walnut shells and more acorns.

It's all on my mantle now, a pumpkin spice candle waiting to be lit. Illuminate Autumn on my mantle.

In the evening I went to yoga with Wanda she asked me if I'd had a good day and I simply said yes, yes I did. I didn't explain that all I'd really done is take a walk in the misty forest and decorated my mantle, I don't know why I didn't share this. Sometimes maybe a day doesn't need to be explained but just enjoyed, just kept close to the heart. Because I can't explain to anyone what guides me sometimes on a day when I see a blank mantle and just know I need to fill it, brimming with beauty..

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Even now I hear You in the rain. The quiet gentleness,so strong, so smooth. Graceful.
Unseen, my soul feels You. The world around me fighting for my attention, it bids me come closer, be stronger, be and do all and everything. He reminds me, be humble, be weak, this is who you are.

I abandon my way, I am absconded and hidden from the world for a little while, until He renews me. The moment I rest so does He within me and it's a peace so indescribable. I am His temple, His Sabbath, His saint. He alone redeems me, but I must allow Him to make me holy.

The rain bears down, no longer soft like a whisper but rather strong. I am not the storm. God is not the storm, He is the still small voice afterwards. He bids me to come away, further and further from everything selfish, groveling,worldly. I am unburdened as I lay aside all that encroaches upon my freedom.

I've forgotten how free I really am. I'm reminded of a child laid out on the desert sand as a storm rolls in, thunder and rain pouring down, something unexpected where the sun perpetually shone...

Sunday, September 11, 2016

I haven't written in awhile. I was trying to do this strict schedule, write so many words per day, keep up with workouts and yoga, work my job that pays money(and I sort of like), keep my house and talk to everyone in my life... this did not work. I'm not surprised I tried being all scheduled and ritualistic before and all I ended up with was an overwhelming obviousness that either schedules arent for me or  that the people I truly care about cannot be kept within the confines of a schedule.

So, I ended up exhausted. I had three days off work. I read a book and rested. The book was A Woman's Journey To The Heart of God. I highly recommend an occassional little rest, sabbaticals for the soul. the book did not answer all my problems but the prayers that the book initiated answered some.

I wont let you in on my spiritual journey because, well, it's mine. But I will say this, when you do give in and rest and realize those little things that you think surely are your own, friendships, ambitions, all the things you know there should be an alternative answer too. You will find your way when you stop trying with your own goal in mind or your own strength being the gauge of what you can or cannot handle.

I'm not on a schedule. I'm enjoying life and this perfect little balance may end soon but for now I'll lay aside my own ambitions and just follow Him...

Thursday, August 4, 2016

How To Be Nice

Lesson One

This may be the most important and it involves knowing yourself a little bit. Treat others the way you would reasonably like to be treated. I say reasonably because of course we all think we would like to have every whim satisfied, but in reality this becomes boring and we lose respect for the very person giving us our every whim, there is no challenge, no growth. So, when I say treat others the way you would like to be treated I mean this:

Everyone I come in contact with, friend, stranger, or family has the right to be themselves. I also expect to be able to be myself. Sometimes people our having a bad day, sometimes people are having a bad year and they might be grumpy. This is called reality. If I am feeling up to it I will try to be patient and kind, if a reply is needed I'll try to make it beneficial but I also have days and years where I'm not at my best and in my experience sometimes people act negatively to my not being nice.

So, I can reasonably expect to be treated a little roughly. But the thing is and this is important, sometimes I've been treated really well by certain people and I don't deserve it at all but I decide because of this to show this same grace to someone else. To be nice I think we have  to consider what we are willing to put up with and adjust ourselves. I think we should remember and even meditate awhile on any little kindness we have been given.

How do we even know how we want to be treated until we experience it or see it somewhere else? Be careful and honest about how you want to be treated. None of us are alike and no, we don't all want to be treated the same. People are complicated and nobody can exactly honestly say how another wants to be treated. We can try to get to know the people in our lives but to be more accurate, figure out yourself,
what would nice look like for you at the moment, and go with that...

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

This guy has always been in a hurry, born a month early, hours after a hurricane. It's not that he surprises me; I always know that something is going to happen with him around. Moments will not be dull, he is a little wild and unpredictable like the storm he came in with. He was born the youngest of three, but there was never a moment he cared about that status.

I've secretly smiled and laughed in my heart so many times at this child as he has shown the world he is his own little man, he doesn't back down from challenges, he doesn't go with the flow, he thinks for himself and he is everything I admire in his father and the grandfather he looks like. That I was blessed to help bring this life into the world!! Happy Birthday to my son.